To the Woman Who Yelled

Across the street, “Leave that girl alone or I’ll call the police,” thank you. For distracting the man who followed me as I was listening to a podcast, who touched my ass and my elbow while calling me beautiful, whose response to me yelling, “FUCK YOU” and shoving him was to shove me back.

I am glad my response was to yell and shove. Also, this is the first time I have felt unsafe in my neighborhood, and I have a deep well of hatred for the man who made me feel that way. I have snot on my hand and salty tear tracks on my face because I started weeping as I was on the phone with 911 and realized I didn’t want to actually press charges because I might New Jim Crow his ass.

I’m having a lot of feelings and I’m glad Justine made me hot chocolate.

And I am deeply thankful that I am ok, and that the woman who yelled distracted the man who pushed me, and I only want to be able to find her and thank her, and to know that she is ok, too. And I want to never have children because I might have a male child.

I’m angry at how inflamed my brain feels right now. Like I can’t actually think for a while because I’m still in danger, even though I know I’m not. I need to write so I can have something down. So I can make sense of this later. And so I can thank the woman for being a goddam human being.

So I’m ok, but I wanted to record this so I could remember what it feels like and how little sense I made afterwards. Because this should never be ok. Because I am so grateful for that woman and for my roommates. Because I am so deeply sad for that empty hole of a man. Because I hope I scared the shit out of him, too.

In retrospect, I probably should have run. But, irrationally, I felt like I was facing down a bear, and if I didn’t scream and stand up it would chase me. That was dumb. But also, fuck him, and I’d say it to his face again, and I would push him away from me again. And then I would run.

Moral of the night: if they touch you, they’ve probably already lost touch with the part of themselves that makes them feel ashamed. Get the fuck out. But also, make some goddam noise.