A summer heaves its ungainly self through the greased kitchen window of my beloved city, I realize that, while I have paid into a CSA share with my roommate, I have little to no idea of what to do with the bags of leafy greens wilting in our fridge. We also get a single carton of strawberries per week, which is patently unfair, considering its work-to-pleasure ratio when compared to the rest of our harvest.
I digress.
Really, I do not know what to do with myself when it comes to food. I was on the twenty-one meal plan all the way until my second semester senior year, when I realized that a person could change their meal plan. My first year after college, I supplemented my core roster of boxed soup and cheese in pitas with a medley of frozen Trader Joes meals. While I have since gained a crockpot, and have expanded my meal repertoire to include a number of delicious vegetable mushes, I find myself suddenly confronted with a conundrum: a regular supply of fresh greens. Greens I already paid for in a lump sum via Venmo.
And so, our journey into the long night of my chef soul begins. Behold– my very first recipe:
Salad of Indeterminable Greens with Vulcanized Brussels Sprouts
Ingredients:
Greens (literally anything that has cellulose and doesn’t look poisonous)
Brussels sprouts from Trader Joe’s (not organic, because you suddenly decide to be cheaper when the future of our planet is at stake)
Two sweet potatoes
Two eggs
One garlic scape (don’t worry, there’s going to be a whole section about this later)
A seasoning mix that you found on top of the stove
Tahini sauce that you totally didn’t steal from Minimalist Baker (actually, I’m not sure where I got my sauce.. the one I’ve been making uses 1/4 c. tahini, 1 T maple syrup, 1 T lemon juice, and enough water to make it look like light mud)
Olive oil
Salt and pepper to snack on as you cook
Procedure
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees, because we really don’t want to rock the boat, here. While oven is heating on this muggy summer night, prep your Brussels sprouts by chopping off the ends, halving them, and fantasizing about having the knife skills to do this in fewer than ten minutes.
2. Put Brussels sprouts in a bowl, drizzle with about 1 T olive oil, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. For that really special, rubbery taste that gives these Vulcanized Brussels Sprouts their name, make sure to underestimate how much oil you’ll need.
3. Once the sprouts are just barely oiled, place them face-down on a bone-dry baking sheet. Pop that puppy into the oven for 25 minutes, or until you open the door and a cloud of roiling smoke strikes you in the face.
4. Sort out some greens of an unguessable nature and mix them with a handful of something your roommate assures you is spinach. Rip them into pieces small enough for your dainty mouth. Rinse, and spin them around in a salad spinner until all the dirt and bugs are collected at the bottom. Transfer to plate.
5. While the sprouts are still in the desiccator, cut up those sweet potatoes (remember them? Me neither) Halfway through this process, recall that you like the taste of sweet potatoes more when they’re cooked in their own peels and really soft. You should do that next time. For now, you’re going to coat these with an infant’s first tear amount of olive oil and shake some spice mixture on top. I made this spice mixture a while ago, and knew I would use it again, so I labeled it for myself. Here, you can see exactly what it is.
6. Cool. Great. The sweet potatoes are going to jump in the oven for 25-30 minutes, until you can poke them with a fork and have gotten impatient enough to eat them at any level of starchiness.
7. Stare down the garlic scape. Some people may tell you they know about garlic scapes, but in my opinion, a garlic scape looks like a rebellious scallion mated with a decorative gourd. I chopped off little green bits from the middle of mine and put them in some butter in a pan, then slammed down two eggs before they had a chance to breathe, much as a child would make a pancake and forgot to add chocolate chips until the last possible second.
Another note on garlic scapes: someone else from our CSA group shared this helpful advice with the listserv, in an email with the subject line, “The magic of scapes.”
I just wanted to share with everyone one of the best things about scapes that many people don’t know. The top bulb of the scape sis [sic] actually full of tiny baby garlic seeds/cloves. We always cut them off an inch or so below the bulb and put them in water for a couple of weeks. Over time you will see the top bulb getting bigger and bigger and it will eventually start to split open. At this point you can open it up and remove the garlic seeds which are amazingly delicious. They are great in salads, pasta, and on top of pizza and will make the most delicious garlic bread you have ever eaten.
Also, I really like to make scape pesto and freeze it in ice cube trays to use throughout the year. Theres a great pesto recipe here and also some other fun ideas. http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2010/06/the-crisper-whisperer-what-to-do-with-garlic-scapes-recipe.htmlEnjoyJohn
John. You are the wind beneath our greens.
8. Plate your masterpiece! Try to finish the last bite as you finish your blog post, if possible. It really contributes to the magic of meal.
Follow me on WordPress, Twitter (I only tweet blog posts), or my panicked runs to the corner store for the ingredients I forgot, and stay tuned for more adventures in greenery and underseasoning!
Lord of the Freys 
That’s what was in the Grey Poupon jar?!!!!
I just love this so so so so much.
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